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11/5/96
Dear Betsy,
Sorry it has been awhile. I had a bit of a modem meltdown, which is only partially fixed. I love calling those tech support numbers, where you spend hours on hold. I could have finished War and Peace by the time I got help.
It is interesting that the theme for this year's first issue of the magazine is on taking action. My immediate thought is, "on what?" How do we decide what is most important? How do we choose what is important in a world where everything is stamped URGENT and we have limited energy?
We've talked about the importance of getting a "balcony perspective" on things, leaving time for reflection to see things whole. But here is the shadow side of that for me. I get sucked into "seeing the big picture" despair. The big picture can be so overwhelming that I get paralyzed by all that needs to happen.
And I see this in others around me. Tonight, I meet with our missions committee. In this meeting, the committee chair is announcing that he has to resign. He has a passion for missions, but he also has two small children and his work is involving more travel. I both feel for him, and am frustrated -- one more casualty, lost to the tryanny of time. As a pastor working with volunteers, I so often feel I am in this situation. I understand and many times agree with the decision someone makes to let go of a commitment. In my pastoral role, I often feel it is the healthiest decision for them. At the same time, it means the church's mission gets delayed. Or the work ends up in my lap.
I've been reading a book by a Quaker named Thomas Kelly, called A Testament of Devotion. In it he talks about the decisions we wrestle with:
Frantically, Doug
Dear Doug,
I am blown away by Thomas Kelly's words. Yes -- imagine having an "easy mind in the presence of real needs." I think it's something I need to really pray about and absorb. It seems many of us really need to give up the subtle nobility of "doing it all." Even as I'm hearing people say how busy, tired, stressed and bummed out they are, I hear an underlying vigor for telling the woeful stories. Sort of like -- "You think YOU'RE tired?!? I can top that..." I think our intentions can be very good and, yet, we can still get caught up in that stuff.
Yesterday I had lunch with a colleague who is director of a lot of different things. She has a lot on her plate -- too much, probably -- but her department is in transition and this is the way it has to be for awhile. She said, "I notice that the times when I get the most stressed out are times when I forget to trust the process. Or more specifically, when I forget to trust the people in the process." (I didn't even pay her to say this stuff.) She said that trusting in the process doesn't mean it always works -- but it dramatically changes how she feels when she approaches her work. I think that is revolutionary.
Another woman here just returned from eight weeks of maternity leave. Eight weeks! She dropped her practically newborn infant off at day care and picked up right where she left off in a high-pressure, high-profile job which she loves. Yet she admitted that her feelings have changed. She feels more conflicted, less sure of what she really wants to or should be doing. Like your mission committee chair -- how will she add one more responsibility to her "big picture" and keep things in perspective? She's got to be asking herself what action to take when.
Your phrase "the tyranny of time" really struck me. On Monday morning this week, every person I ran into mentioned how short the weekend feels. I noticed more than usual that people really looked tired. And it's not surprising, with people doing work, school, family, volunteer stuff, and on and on. It's stuff we all care about, but it's kind of a trap.
Last Friday I had lunch with the director of human resources (HR), the same woman who hired me. She asked me to have lunch so we could catch up, since we have exchanged about three words since the hiring process ended in March. What I didn't know was that she wanted to speak with me about instigating a review discussion with my manager. Apparently HR sent me the forms to get that discussion rolling, which were due back to HR about three weeks ago, and I somehow shuffled those right to the bottom of my pile and never did a thing about it. Too busy. Too many things to do. She reminded me that while everyone feels this way, it is important to take a look at how you're doing, what you might need to do it better, what you might be looking to do on down the road and how best to prepare for that, etc. I felt like a child that she had to remind me of that basic stuff -- but I get focused on the tasks at hand and tend to ignore the bigger picture, especially when it comes to tending to my own development. This is not a noble quality -- it's dumb. Another trap.
I really liked Kelly's image of foreground and background. "Toward them all we feel kindly, but we are dismissed from active service in most of them." Phew. What a relief.
Gratefully, Betsy
Dear Betsy,
Thanks for your thoughts. I resonate with the "too busy but subtly proud of it" mindset. In many ways our actions don't match our words. We proclaim that wholeness and love from God are free gifts, and we act as if we have to earn them.
And the human resources person calling you to self refection --Yes! I would love to have a supervisor who would hold me accountable for maintaining a balance between action and reflection, balcony and dance floor. Unfortunately for most of us, any supervisory person is at best neutral to the importance of reflection, and maybe downright hostile. I imagine the feeling is that less work is getting done.
I want to update you on my council meeting last night -- I think it relates to this conversation. I was anxious going into the meeting. We had to pass a budget, and the numbers are pretty grim. I think part of my anxiety was feeling lousy about myself (e.g., if I was a better pastor, people would be flocking here, or everyone would be giving more, and therefore we would not be having these financial difficulties.) Last night I felt helpless in the face of bad budget numbers. I didn't know what to say or do. But without even trying, they carried me. I value so much the way they wrestle with the reality of budgets and numbers and mortgages, but in a hopeful, positive way. I left the meeting feeling an enormous sense of gratitude for the council. They are God's gift to me and the church right now. It feels like we have the right balance of people. So often I feel like I am trying to single-handedly drag the church along.They are, again using the words of Thomas Kelly, "weighty friends." He says, "with delicate attunement both to heaven and earth, weighty friends bulk large in practical decisions." (You can imagine the snickers when I referred to them as "weighty friends.")
But I think that is part of this whole action/busyness issue -- how to keep the "delicate attunement both to heaven and earth"? Its the ol' "pray as if it all depends on God, act as if it all depends on you." But the good news that I learned again last night is that it doesn't all depend on me. The church has a council right now that is both realistic about our bills, and trusting in God. What a gift.
Peace, Doug
1. From Thomas Kelly's quote, what are three "central tasks" that you care about?
2. What are three "background tasks" that you would like to release?