I have many reasons for loving Jim Henson, as many people did. I loved his whimsical nature and his creative talent, the joyousness he exuded and the innate goodness he demonstrated. But I loved Jim mainly because he let me be green and have warts and it was all right. When I sing with Kermit, "Its not easy being green", I'm referring to a lot of warts I have. But the biggest wart, and the one the world most often does not see, is manic-depression. I've learned to cover it up "real well".
It took many years for me to accept the fact that I was manic-depressive, much less to say the words out loud and tell people I have a mental illness. One of the primary reasons I withheld the information was that I held a responsible job until I was almost 70. I had to work until I had sufficient retirement benefits to be able to retire.
My illness was not diagnosed until I was 58, and it explains so much of my early behavior that has caused so many problems for me and my family. My children are aware of my problems now and are very supportive and loving.
I have found one of the hardest things about M-D is that once I confessed to having this disorder, I forever feel that people discount me for being "crazy" and I am no longer a part of the "normal" society, no longer part of the in-crowd, no longer someone to be fully trusted. I often feel that I am tolerated but not really accepted as whole anymore. Maybe this is paranoia which is part of this disease. I know "being green" is a terrible thing to bear whether greenness is the color of skin, extra pounds on your body, a physical disability or a mental illness.
I often get discouraged. I am one of those people who has to hit bottom regularly and get so sick and tired of self-pity it gets boring. I am so grateful for a sense of humor. I can visualize myself at the bottom of a big barrel in the shape of a ball bouncing around with all the other "poor me's." Not a pretty sight.
Last year, I called my minister and asked her to send a particular Stephen Minister* to me because I was in a crisis situation and wanted someone who was already aware of my circumstances. I asked for Mary. We have been friends for almost 40 years, and she has held my hand more than once as a friend.
Mary called and came to see me immediately. We sat on my patio while I talked non-stop for two hours. I poured out my grief about a close friend's death and then felt myself withdrawing into the shell of depression. I walked the floor all night and called my children the next morning, saying only "I need you. Now." Four of the most difficult words I have ever uttered. I have wanted to be completely independent since my divorce and to be a rock for them, not a millstone. I could only tell them I thought I needed to go to the hospital and to call my Stephen Minister for details. I had to divulge her name because I could not speak for myself.
As I write these words, it has been about six weeks since that distress call want out to Mary. I have been a psychiatric out-patient since then because of the support Mary has been able to offer me through her commitment as a Stephen Minister. Without her, I would probably have been hospitalized. God has also reached through my darkness with comfort from Psalm 139 which seem to describe the cycle of highs and lows symptomatic of manic-depression:
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead, you are there. If I ride the morning winds to the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, your strength will support me. (vs. 8-9, Living Bible)
God's Love comes seeking me, even when I'm feeling green!
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A helpful book on manic-depressive disorder is An Unquiet Mind
by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, Vintage Books, Random House, Inc., 1996.
A complete system of training and organizing lay persons for caring ministry in and around congregations. For more information contact Stephen Ministries. Betsy Bee writes from Tallahassee FL, has been active on the Southeastern FAW Team and is a member of Faith Presbyterian Church. |