I spent years trying to find myself. It was not a good idea.
Children are thrilled when they lose themselves. Bernard Berenson, the American art critic and historian, said in his autobiography:
As I look back on fully seventy years of awareness and recall the moments of greatest happiness, they were for the most part, moments when I lost myself completely in some instant of perfect harmony. In childhood this ecstasy overtook me when I was happy out of doors. Was I five or six? It was a morning in early summer. A silver haze shimmered and trembled over the trees. The temperature was like a caress.
When Berenson at age five or six lost himself in the beauty of a summer day, the great happiness of that moment drew him into a lifetime study of art. In some mysterious way he kept that childlike sense of wonder alive --- perhaps by using it often. Children remind us to look away from ourselves. Then, if we are fortunate, we can find ecstasy and meaning by losing ourselves. This is not a new idea. Jesus said, "Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."
One of my goals is to enter the workplace as if I were opening the door of my favorite bakery. When that happens it is because I have lost myself in work. Gary Vermeij's story was told in Parade Magazine. He said, "I was in the fourth grade. I had this teacher who brought back sea shells from Florida. They were beautiful --- glossy on the inside, sculptured on the outside. I was overwhelmed. I knew from then on I would be a biologist." Even though he had been blind since three years of age, he earned his doctorate at Yale. Now more than 40 years after that transforming moment as a nine-year-old, he is one of the world's foremost experts on mollusks. Those who make a career decision or a recareer decision because of an overwhelming sense of wonder are likely to find enjoyment in their work. Vermeij's wonder propelled him to study with such intensity and energy that now at age 50 his love of shells is as strong as when he played with one as a child.
Berenson's and Vermeij's stories of a childhood moment send me back to childhood --- to a time I was lost in some creative venture. Then the tide rolls in from childhood to the present, and I am awash with wonder. I am motivated to recreate my work in some way so I can lose myself in it again and again.