The work I have found myself doing of course has its roots in my experiences growing up in my family and in South Africa as apartheid was beginning to crumble. Slowly I began to see that I had a deep interest in equipping myself to contribute to the healing of those who had been exposed to traumatic events such as war situations.
From the process of discerning my call to psychology, two things stood me in good stead. One was the need for prayerful attention to an inner sense of rightness, of fitting with something; the other was the need for a community to pray with me and to reflect back to me what they saw. My regular discipline of private prayer and journaling played an essential role in this, as did my Education For Ministry (EFM) group. My EFM groups in Columbia, SC and Birmingham, AL were essential to keeping me going spiritually and emotionally through the grinding practical tasks of graduate school and the inner work of personal discernment.
When I returned home to South Africa, I began as a Post-Doctoral Research Fellow in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Cape Town. I ran into constant dead ends and we began to doubt my call. After I woke up one Sunday morning with a splitting tension headache, I was forced to re-evaluate where I had been looking and whose advice I had been following. As well-meaning as my supervisor was, I realised we were wandering into his areas of interest and I was following his suggestions out of desperation, not a sense of authentic call.
Symbols of Call
Nancy Boyle had given me Marjory Bankson's The Call to the Soul as a graduation present. That night I pulled it out of my bookshelf and devoured it. One of the things that stood out for me was the notion that it is important to pay attention to the symbols I had chosen to surround myself with.
I noticed a framed print which an artist patient had given me. It shows a "Trümmerfrau", one of the German women who, after bombing had reduced their city to rubble, rolled up their sleeves to rebuild. My patient had used this as an analogy for the inner work she had done in therapy. I also saw it more literally, as allied to my interest in disaster management.
On my windowsill, I have a book given me by my trauma supervisor in Birmingham that represents a shared joke about our shared interest in disaster management, and a box of toy soldiers that were a gift from one of my groups of combat veterans at the VA Hospital in Birmingham. My windowsill resonated with my own sense of calling to work with those traumatised by violence and disaster.
A Thread of Wonder
On Monday morning, I looked again at my interest in violence. I remembered that I had wondered about policemen who dealt with victims of violent crime and realised that in not following up on that "wondering", I had ignored an inner prompt of call.
Then came one of those events which are just too serendipitous for mere coincidence. I pulled out the phone book to look for the number of the local police station and saw the number for the Psychology Service of the South African Police Service. I phoned the psychologists and within minutes agreed to meet for discussion of those who deal with traumatic stressors on a constant basis. The rising energy within me and the release of tension were an instant signal that I was on the right track.
Soon I began to work with the policemen and women who serve as morticians in the two largest state mortuaries here in Cape Town. They see all the results of our high rates of violent crime and traffic accidents and deal with the bereaved every day. Theirs is difficult work that must be done and yet it is in many ways a thankless task. Some of the most deeply spiritual moments of the year were spent sitting quietly in mortuaries in the evenings, being with people as they filled in my questionnaires.
Sustaining Energy
I've discovered a sustaining energy that goes with call. It carries me through difficulties that would overcome mere enthusiasm. While I have yet to analyze the data which I've gathered over the course of this project and to understand this work scientifically, this project has played a fundamental role in shaping me and in confirming my sense of calling to situations of trauma and violence.
As I live on the outer edge of what I feel equipped to do, I can see how resources (inner and outer) were there when I needed them. I am still quite amazed that this project happened at all, and have developed a strong fellow-feeling for Moses and his response to the burning bush!
I am aware that in writing this, I have taken the risk of naming my call "out loud" and that while I am sure of it and am following it in new projects this year, it still feels risky to say it so publicly. At the same time, it also feels important to honour the way I have been led, all the work I have done and the people who have supported me along the way - and to remind myself to trust the process, to trust the God who leads me.
Cathy Ward is a clinical-community psychologist, currently holding a position as a Post-Doctoral Research Fellow in the Department of Psychiatry and Mental Health at the University of Cape Town. She does research into the effects of trauma, and also enjoys teaching and clinical work.