Recently I came across a quote that read, "Forgiveness is releasing others
from our expectations." I wrestle with this concept, unsure whether it holds any
truth for me. Surely we all experience times when we feel let down by others.
What do we do with the feelings these betrayals, large and small, evoke in us?
I don't want to be released from other's high expectations. I want to be held accountable for the commitments I have made. When I fail, I need people to forgive me. But releasing me from their expectations somehow feels as if people are giving up on me.
Although I say that I want others to call me into account when I do not fulfill my commitments, I don't always follow the Golden Rule. I don't do for others what I want them to do for me. When others let me down, I tend to retreat. I don't graciously confront and hold them accountable; I flee. I would rather forgive them than tell them how much it hurts. I do not even engage them in the forgiveness process; it is a one-sided transaction of which they are unaware.
So perhaps forgiveness is not about releasing others from expectations but about being willing to talk about those expectations. On those occasions when I do tell another person of the hurt I feel, the conversations are rich. Sometimes the person is not aware of the expectations I have. Sometimes we have different definitions of what the commitment entails. Sometimes I have contributed to the problem and need to acknowledge my piece. Sometimes the other person explains, "I'm doing the best I can in a tough situation. Cut me a break." Sometimes the other person simply says, "I'm sorry I let you down. I'll try to do better." Forgiveness comes with honest communication that restores trust.
For me, the most difficult of all the Unfulfilled Expectation scenarios are the ones that involve God. Most of us have at least one experience in life in which we feel that God has let us down.
One of my favorite Bible stories is that of Mary and Martha, good friends of Jesus. When their brother Lazarus gets sick, they send word to Jesus to come and heal him. When Jesus receives the message, he does not immediately respond. In fact, for no apparent reason, he waits for several days before beginning the journey to the village where Lazarus lies dying. By the time Jesus finally arrives, Lazarus is already dead.
Mary and Martha both confront Jesus about his failure to meet their expectations. They are not afraid to say to him, "You let us down. If you had been here, our brother would not have died." Jesus does not berate them for their honesty, nor does he defend himself. After sharing a few tears with the sisters, he tells them not to give up their faith in the midst of unfulfilled expectations. Then he asks to be taken to the cave where Lazarus has been entombed. Jesus tells the people to open the door to the cave and then calls to Lazarus to come forth out of the tomb. And Lazarus responds, coming back to life again.
Why didn't Jesus come when he was called? Why didn't he fulfill the expectations of his two friends? Not, perhaps, because their expectations were too great, but because they were too small. Mary and Martha wanted their brother to be healed; Jesus wanted an entire family to be transformed.
This story teaches us that it is okay to confront God when we feel He/She has let us down. It's the only way to create the dialogue that results in true healing. When we dare to have it out with God, to tell God of our hurt and disappointment, we may discover that our expectations need to be released, so they can be subsumed into a grander vision.
Margaret Morgan Maat is co-founder of Community, Inc., an organization that provides support and accountability for people in the midst of change. This article is an excerpt from her book, Listening to the Rhythms of the Soul: Reflections for Spiritual Seekers, to be released Fall 2001. Visit her website.