According to the dictionary an odyssey can be an extended wandering or
journey and when I think of my call to ministry it has been both an extended
wandering and a journey. Yet, when I finally arrived at seminary in 1997, I
thought that my wandering days were over, I was finally on the path that God had
called me to and ready for the journey.
Call Denied
I first sensed my call to ministry in 1988, when I was on a women's retreat in a convent near my home. One morning I had gone to the chapel alone to pray and as I was praying a voice in the back of my mind called to me. I don't remember the exact words, because it was more of a feeling than words. All I remember is being shocked by "words" that were so foreign to my consciousness, because these words were my call to ordained ministry. My first reaction was, "God, you've got to be kidding - I'm a teacher not a preacher." Then the next voice that I heard in my mind was my grandmother's voice admonishing me not to be so pretentious as to draw attention to myself. With that, I quickly abandoned the idea that God might actually have called me to the ministry and wondered how I could have been so presumptuous.
But, as usual with God, I may have forgotten my call, but God did not forget. A few years earlier, because of a FAW retreat, I had returned to the church and was now active there as a teacher and Stephen Minister. I continued to read and study, and I found that I wanted to learn more. I applied to Santa Clara University to study spirituality, but I barely had language to describe what I wanted. On my application I wrote, "I am a woman of faith and I want to learn more." Even with these meager words I was accepted into the program, where I began to learn the language of faith.
Language of Faith
As a displaced Presbyterian, I sat in classes where we discussed the experience of God; the meaning of the Kingdom of God; the rites and rituals of the Catholic Church; and in one of these classes I came face to face with Jesus Christ and discovered that I truly am a Christian. At Santa Clara, my parched soul was watered and nourished into deeper faith and confidence.
During this period people would ask me, "What are you going to do with that degree? Are you going to be ordained?" And I would laughingly responded, "This is a Catholic university, they don't ordain women." But I took note of these questions, thinking it odd that people would find me suited for ministry.
While I was studying at Santa Clara, I discovered spiritual direction and through my Presbytery a program that trains spiritual directors. As I followed this leading, I realized that God was asking for more. I decided to become a spiritual director, thinking this would satisfy God's desire for me.
I discovered in training as a spiritual director, a quiet and contemplative life and learned to trust in the movement of the Holy Spirit. Through spiritual direction I addressed my grandmother's voice and confronted my fears about preaching. I discovered that preaching is not about me, but about the work of the Holy Spirit.
Now, when I am confronted with my fear of the awesome responsibility of preaching the word of God, I remember that God's word comes through the Holy Spirit and I am the instrument. Trusting that through the Holy Spirit, God is at work in the world and in me, I again addressed the issue of my call to ordained ministry. By finally acknowledging God's call, I felt like I was carrying a precious gift in the center of my being - God had touched my heart and I wanted to walk gently upon the earth. Therefore, equipped with new insight and courage I was ready to step up and face God's call to ordained ministry, and I enrolled in seminary.
Where Do People Pray?
Orientation week at seminary was hectic and overwhelming and at one point I just wanted to go home. Concerned over my loss of spiritual balance and the feeling of walking gently upon the earth, I searched for a quiet place to pray. The main chapel of seminary was locked, but I saw a sign pointing to a smaller side chapel and the door was unlocked. With relief I opened the door, seeking the solitude of prayer, only to find the chapel stacked with chairs - it was being used for storage! In my disappointment I thought, "where do people go to pray around here?"
I have since discovered that this initial encounter would be a metaphor of my seminary experience, in which a philosophy of deconstruction is predominant and the spiritual life is a private matter. Thus, seminary became a wilderness experience, populated with the harsh realities of a theological education, and an occasional oasis of corporate prayer.
Deconstruction infected this diverse, interfaith community, well beyond the classroom into personal confrontation that caused more division than dialogue between denominations. If I was to attain my goal of a Master of Divinity degree, I needed to find a worshipping community that would nurture rather than deconstruct as I worked my way through the arduous process of seminary.
I decided it was worth driving 80 miles round trip to worship in my sponsoring church - my home church. Although, I was new to this congregation, they invited me in and helped me to feel welcome. They enthusiastically agreed to act as my sponsor for the lengthy process of discernment and call that is required by my denomination. In addition, they allowed me to practice on them, I practiced my first service of worship there; I practiced my first benediction in that congregation; I preached my third sermon there (the first two were in my preaching class).
In all that I have done in that church I feel that I have a whole congregation of loving parents, who are proud of me. God has provided me with an abundance of people to nurture, support and affirm my call to ministry. As a result, I have been loved into the Presbyterian Church and believe that I am where God intended me to be. In contrast, to my seminary where deconstruction causes division and rancor, my church and Presbytery have reconstructed and nourished my weary soul.
God Knows
Now as I prepare to complete my seminary education, I feel stronger and more articulate. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I do know that it is not a cause for worry - God knows. God has brought me this far on the journey and God has provided for me every step of the way. God has been steadfast and at this point of change I have no reason to think differently of the future.
In God's time, I will be ordained as a Minister of the Word and Sacrament, surrounded by all who have walked with me this journey. God continues to ask for more from me and I know that God will lead me to the church where I am to pastor. The odyssey is not over and this reflection is only a momentary pause to notice how God is at work in and among us and to give thanks for all God's benefits. In this moment I sing God's praise knowing that the journey goes on and God will provide nourishment for the journey.
Lee Tyler is a "second call" student from Palo Alto CA having retired from IBM. She is mother of 3 grown sons & grandmother of 4. In the summer of 2002, Lee will be ordained and move to Illinois.