It was a long, hot, rainless summer. My garden died from the drought. The weather would have been bad enough, but the fibromyalgia that I thought was diminished returned with gusto. I was living on the brink of a yawning black pit.
Fibromyalgia has many symptoms; it is a syndrome. For me it is utter fatigue. There is some pain, but much worse than that is the total lack of energy and strength. My survival mode became doing whatever it took to get through a day – re-reading old books again, doing only what was crucial to provide meals and an empty chair or two for sitting, trying to not snap off anyone’s head and generally becoming a couch potato. I was discouraged and whiney: “WHY ME, LORD?”
Stay Put
In the midst of these dismals, God spoke to me twice. After 63 years and a number of “Ahems...” from God, I do eventually get the messages. Pain usually improves my spiritual hearing incredibly because I slow down enough to listen.
God spoke the first time when I was hurting and exasperated over a situation at church. l was ready to become a Unitarian, a Quaker, a Shinto – anything to escape. But God clearly said, “Yes, you do need to pull away from all your activity. But No, you will not be leaving your church. That is the family I’ve given you for spiritual growth. Besides, you’d find the same problem people everywhere else, including YOU.”
I have been a compulsive listmaker and I hear God saying, “Live without those lists for awhile.” I have taken a sabbatical from teaching Sunday school and from serving as an Elder in my church. I hope that I can return to these with joy instead of duty.
Write
As I began to expect more guidance from God, I noticed the one bright spot each week was the women’s writing circle on Thursday mornings where I could laugh, write, listen and come home briefly energized. In my circumstances, brief flashes of hope can be lifesaving.
Writing about things, even painful things, brings a certain detachment that is both healing and discerning. As I began journaling a little more often, I could see patterns emerge – “Ah-Ha-s” that were enlightening.
Reflect
When I am in the clutches of depression, I sometimes go to the bookcase and wait for a book to call me. One morning, after my quiet time, I reached in and pulled out Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can by Caroline Myss. This is not a Christian book. It is, however, a book full of what is truly Christian and God-like.
One of the questions that Myss raises is: “What are you willing to change to be healed? Jesus also asked this question in several different ways, even to the point of asking, “DO you want to be healed?” Fibromyalgia is the sort of syndrome that suggests one has been pulled in too many directions by too many people for too long. Allowing this to happen is my bete noir. Do I have the courage to meet this monster? To sort out my life without the excuse of illness?
Unclogging Energy
Myss suggests that there are various areas in all of our lives that need unclogging – cleaning out – confession and redemption. And this means soul-searching and questions. What am I clutching that is spreading poison throughout my body? What am I holding onto that is no longer helpful? Have I ever really thought about why I over-involve myself to the point of exhaustion? Do I resent growing older and, in the process, less able to cope with an over-loaded schedule? What am I willing to give up or change to create a healing environment in me?
I am a Christian not only because that was how I came to know God as a child, but it is how I have matured spiritually and learned to know, trust and love God as an adult. I think God is quite capable of reconciling each individual to Himself/Herself in whatever way is best for that person. God doesn’t change, but our understanding of God does as we open ourselves more fully to being vulnerable, being forgiven, being an available vessel for love and healing.
Healing Slowly
It will take both courage and discipline to make the necessary changes in my life. Some of the changes will be normal – more attention to the food I eat, getting that Yoga mat out and being mindful of each precious moment. Some changes may be more difficult. Fortunately, my church family will continue to love me and pray for me in spite of my “wayward” theology.
I am grateful that the bout of illness and exhaustion has brought me closer to God and closer to understanding “what I must do to be healed.” I am thankful to be rescued from the charcoal-gray dismals into the possibility of growth and health. And I am grateful to Caroline Myss for a book that so aptly called to me from my bookshelf. It will be interesting to see what God does with me over the next few months but most importantly, God has restored my feeling that the universe is a friendly place in spite of the chaos around me and in me. I give thanks.
Carol Bossard writes from Spencer NY.