I came back to church as a member of the walking wounded —- newly divorced from a nine-year marriage where there had been domestic violence. To be specific, my husband used to hit me for crying because he hit me. learned to move into a really contemplative state in my mind and start talking to God. I prayed, ‘Please let us fall asleep. Please let us be safe. Please let it be ended.’ Then would get quiet. Then I would listen. Then I would get small bits of comfort. As a child, I was taught to pray as went to bed so I was in the habit of praying every night of my life.
Learned at Home
Both of my parents were very devout. I was raised in an extremely spirit-filled household. It was not unusual to stop in the middle of the day for a prayer of thanksgiving or for help. My parents made their Cursillo (a three-day spiritual formation weekend for adults available in many Episcopal dioceses) in 1967. I was making palanca for Cursillo before I could say the words. From the Spanish word for “lever”, palanca is a prayer for a participant to turn to Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. It has come to be applied broadly for anything from letters to banners to place mats.
In that atmosphere, I began to drink actively when I was ten. While both of my parents were alcoholics they were not neglectful or abusive; they were loving and generous people and still are. Two or three drinks a night were not uncommon. It was their way to relax. I was twenty-one the first time I got sober. I struggled for three more years and I was twenty-four before I figured out how to do it. I was married at twenty-two and quickly had three kids, a son and twin daughters. I was sober during pregnancy but the celebratory glass of champagne after giving birth got me started again.
Discovering AA
Someone gave me a big book about Alcoholics Anonymous. As I read it, I found I was reading my own life. started crying. I shut the book, put it away and ignored it. The church I went to at that time had a 12-step program for overeaters. I felt that was sort of like AA and would go there to lose weight. I cross-addicted a lot. I had a food addiction and used food to soothe my fears. I weighed 385 lbs. at one point. Since I was pretty convinced I would kill myself, I went to that group. As I got into it, I came to see my real disease was not the food, but the alcohol. I went to work on the problem, then.”
I now have nine years as a recovered alcoholic. I was still using alcohol when I married. The only place that my former husband would let me go alone was to the church. He was an atheist, but his controlling nature led him to follow me to the church so that he could know what I was doing. Probably to his own surprise as much as to my own, he asked to be baptized. After a coed Cursillo, he decided to be confirmed. Although he never could quite tame the spirit that drove him into his rages, I can let go and forgive him now that we are divorced. I can trust God’s work with him, glad that I do not have to be a victim of his rages anymore.
I have set before you the ways of life and death. Therefore, choose life! Deuteronomy 30:19
Safe At Last
I found my present congregation in the midst of a time of being overwhelmed with guilt over my divorce. I felt I had failed as a Christian wife. We were in a safe apartment with the three kids safely tucked in bed. It was late at night. I was on my knees, bawling, as the overwhelming pain got me. I was begging God to forgive me. Suddenly I felt a presence near me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a light and I knew it to be my Lord Christ. I felt a hand on my shoulder and this overwhelming peace flowed through me. I turned and looked— Jesus was laughing. And this voice in my head said, ‘It’s okay. It’s what I expected you to do.’ Then it was gone.
In passing, I heard, ‘Open the phone book.’ I opened it and there was the name of the church and an ad saying ‘An Episcopal Church demonstrating God’s unconditional love.’ I had to drive forty-five minutes from our dingy apartment to the church, but when I left church that Sunday, I knew it was okay to go back. My loneliness and my hunger to belong took me back the next Sunday. I have made the trip ever since. God put me there.
The love I felt from the minister and the community she led was so prevalent, so inviting that I just stayed. I signed up for a few things here and there, but after a particularly moving and poignant Ash Wednesday, I found myself called to forgiveness. I had found forgiveness for myself and, now, I forgave my former husband. I could not go back into the grief, into the darkness, into being away from the church, into being away from God.
Finding out the hard way
My faith is rooted in the Episcopal church, where I was born and raised, and it is centered in God and daily practice. I completely and totally believe that, if it were not for the living and dying of my savior, Jesus, I would be so paralyzed with fear, guilt and doubt that I would be unable to go on doing the good work of my Father in heaven. I acquired this faith both from being steeped in the lessons of the church and from rebelling, rejecting the lessons, and finding out the ‘hard way’ that God was right all along. It was in that hard, dark place, where I had nothing to depend on but my faith, that I learned how to bring God into the hell I was living.
I discovered I was not really ever alone. I could always pray. So, in those dark places when all I could do was pray, I prayed. Daily prayer became as much a part of my survival-skill package, as coping with the co-dependency that surrounds abusive marriages, and as 12-step meetings for an alcoholic.
My ethics are based on the two great commandments Jesus gave—‘to love God with all my heart, soul, strength and mind;’ and ‘to love my neighbor as myself.’ I acquired these ethics from the church and from scripture. I learned how to apply them (and am still learning as it is a daily cross) from the community of God.
I learned most about how to apply my ethics in daily life from the 12-step programs. I read scripture a lot. If I have a question, I find my answer somewhere in the Bible. I don’t always like the answer. Obedience has never been my strong point. As for the problem passages, I pray for a discerning heart, ability to see what He wants me to do, and the ability to interpret his word. I am not a literalist. I use commentaries. I like Chuck [Charles R.] Swindoll and C. S. Lewis and Max Lucado. When I need more help, I call our pastor.
In keeping with the 12-step tradition of anonymity, only Margaret’s first name has been used. She is an administrative assistant for two vice-presidents of an environmental clean-up firm. She is responsible for contract compliance by her company and supervises two people. She is a single mother with three children at home, an eleven-year-old boy and twin girls who are nine years old.