Not Calling

by  Ann Loar Brooks

Are you certain of your current calling? I am not. I am in the limbo state between certainties. However, I am certain that I am not certain. And right now, that is enough.

There are many pursuits to which I am not being called. The list appears to be limitless. For example, I am not being called to continue to be an appointed leader of my faith community. I am not being called to continue to work as a director of Christian education at any church within my diocese. I am not being called to be on the board of any of the social service organizations with which I am associated or to chair committees or projects at my children’s schools. If space permitted, I could extend this list of not callings for paragraphs.

This certainty of lack of call can only be explained by a sense of unease. Whenever I contemplate one of my not callings, my spirit is disquieted and a sense of foreboding or apprehension overcomes me. My restless state convinces me that to continue with these not callings would be to satisfy my pride and vanity and would not be means by which I could serve God.

While I do not know my calling, I do know that I am – that I, Ann, am. I know that I am the child of God who was created for the purpose of being Ann. This knowledge gives me faith that I will discover my purpose at this juncture in my life and the way to fulfill it.

Parker Palmer said in his recent book about vocation, Let Your Life Speak, that way often closes behind you. This description is certainly apt of my current state. The doors are closing so fast behind me right now that I have to move swiftly lest I get my foot stuck in them as they slam shut. In this same work, Palmer states that vocation “is not, ‘Oh, boy, do I want to go to this strange place where I have to learn a new way’ ...Vocation at its deepest level is, ‘This is something I can’t not do, for reasons I’m unable to explain to anyone else and don’t fully understand myself but that are nonetheless compelling.’” (p. 25)

This past May, Marjory Zoet Bankson guided a number of people from my diocese on an exploration of call. At one point in the evening, we formed small groups in order to share with others what we each believed our current call to be. I was hesitant to reveal how lost I was. Here I was with doors slamming shut behind me and groping in the dark for the next doorknob to grasp. How could I share my call when I did not fully understand where I was heading?

Luckily, the other women chose to speak before I did. They both described their current call as nurturers of their families, caring for their children and grandchildren, supporting and encouraging their loved ones while blessing them with wisdom of experience. Their descriptions of their vocation resonated with me. These women were not weak homebodies but were well-traveled women with considerable education and varied career experiences. And they were finding much joy in tending to hearth and home at this juncture in their lives.

I believe that God gave me these women as lampposts in my darkness to help me see my own children who are calling out to me. This coming year, my oldest daughter will be a senior in high school, my son will be a junior, and my youngest daughter will be a freshman. What a joyously raucous year this will be!

After listening to these wise women, I am beginning to believe that God is calling me to be wholly me this year in the presence of my children, to give them the gift of a fully present and available mother who is free to share the delights and strain of living into the person God created me to be. By allowing the other doors to fully close behind me, I will free myself to be the stable mast upon which they may all set their sails and model for them the way to seek their own paths in life. All other way is closing behind me and I am beginning to believe that I cannot not follow this call.

Ann Loar Brooks has an M.A. in Church Ministries and has served as the director of Christian education for parishes within the Episcopal Diocese of Maryland. She writes from Baltimore MD.