John
Good morning, Jesus.
John
Good morning, Jesus.
Jesus Good morning, John.
John Our retreat yesterday was a rich experience for me; I’d formed no expectations for myself or the way the day would unfold. I managed to simply live through the day, moment by moment. I did commit myself to watching the fire and tending it so it would continue blazing, and I did that. I carefully and thoughtfully read Ann Ulanov’s article on prayer in the collected articles for the Personal Spiritual Deepening Program; it was at least my third reading of it, and it continues to stay rich and helpful to me. My intellect is way behind my experience in my spiritual life, and that’s ok with me. I’m learning how unhelpful thinking can be for me; I can get caught in tangles of thought that have as much to do with my neurotic kinks as they do with reality. I no longer expect, much less demand, that my thought will stay clear and “correct” on my life issues. My greatest desire now is to move ever closer to you, Jesus. Thought is certainly involved in this process, but it is not the end point. I’m getting clearer that all philosophy, psychology and theology (everyone’s, not just my own) is inevitably skewed by our personal kinks arising from out personal experience and limitations. That no longer bothers me. I’m coming to you with all my limitations, and you love me, accept me and help me through those “knotholes” that I can’t get through on my own. Your acceptance of me as I am is calming my fears and allowing and encouraging me to let go of my kinks and live in the security of your love.
Jesus I celebrate your desire to choose me over the thoughts you have about me, John. That choice is the “Way” that I lived and taught–to choose God over thoughts about God.
John This process reminds me of my freshman year at St. John’s and the study of Euclid’s mathematics. He begins with stating his assumptions; I think he called them Postulates–beliefs that cannot be proved, because to prove something means that the steps in your process agree with your assumptions. “God” represents the basic assumptions we make about life, so God cannot be the end result of a process proving God. For me, my formal education has consisted mainly of seeking to prove things without being clear on my Postulates. You and your love for me have now become my basic Postulate, and life is beginning to “make sense” in a way it never has before. Your Way is not hostile to thought, but it does not confuse thought with God. Hmmm, I’m reading daily little bits of the work of C.S. Lewis, and am amazed at how carefully he thinks and writes–but I’m also aware of how his biggest influence on me from the beginning of reading him (even before going to St. John’s) was his clarity about what’s important in life. His novels (the Narnia series and the space fantasy series) have stayed fresh and gripping and inspirational for me through innumerable readings. His essays are helpful, but often the “academic” precision he seeks in his writing, although full of “aha!” moments for me, also often annoy me as prissy. That says more about me than him, but it is the way I respond to him. My own “prissiness” is getting annoying to me, and your love for me is allowing me to let go of it. Thank you, Jesus, for loving me into a new life.
Jesus It’s my joy, as well as my call from God, to love you, and any who will listen, into this Abundant Life, John. Spread the word. I love you.
John Lobell is a retired Episcopal priest, pastoral counselor and spiritual director. He lives in Columbia, MD, with his wife, Carol. Between them they have seven children and twenty grandchildren and four great grandchildren. They attend Kittamaqundi Community Church in Columbia.