Forgiveness is the Path Home

Introduction

We stand firm in the biblical tradition that “it ain’t over until it’s over.” That is especially true in terms of God’s call. ElderCall is a column that embodies that truth. In each issue a different FAW friend will reflect on the theme and their own sense of call.

This issue we hear from Steve Gehring. Steve has served on the national board of directors of Faith At Work, and currently is on the Nebraska team.

At 65, approaching 66, I share with people that if it weren’t for the senior discount, getting old would pretty much stink. That’s really more cynical than I feel, but the bodily deteriorations do get to be tiresome. At this point, the aging process looks, in many ways as I expected it, and in many ways different. This is probably like Heaven will be.

In July, I will have practiced law for 42 years. About 5 years ago, I knew my firm expected me to transition my practice and the management of our Omaha office. Parts of that process fell right into line. We were able to hire a bright, experienced lawyer to work with me. I told him his job was to steal all of my clients and when he did, I would retire. At the end of 2006, he had pretty much completed the theft and I withdrew as a partner. I now work part-time. Another experienced partner I helped hire has assumed my management responsibilities and the office never missed a beat. The part that has really surprised me is how fast people forgot about me as a lawyer and how truly replaceable I was. Even though my wife Dana and I joke about the fact that I flunked retirement because I am staying busy, I didn’t anticipate that many of my clients and colleagues would equate retirement as being disengaged and playing golf everyday. My protestations that I am not really retired, merely strategically redeployed have been largely unavailing. Anyone who has accompanied me on my infrequent golf outings understands that any athletic genes I might have inherited were stillborn.

Over the past year or so, I am finding that my ego needs to get comfortable with this uncomfortable dose of reality. I am managing to convince people that my reduced schedule doesn’t mean that my mind has turned to pablum. The more rational part of my ego is also enjoying not having to wear a tie (truly a blessing!) and not having the pressures and responsibilities. I can breathe easier and deeper. Getting over not having your opinions or judgments sought on a regular basis is more difficult to adjust to than I thought it might be. Dana and I are working through 43 years of marriage. Part of my amazement is how much of an endangered species 43 year marriages are becoming. Couples with whom we expected long-term relationships have split and live very different lives today. We may stay in touch with one or the other, but the relationships are very different. Ten years ago as I was thinking about our marriage relationship when I retired or cut back, I expected it to be somewhat predictable – spending time with kids and grandchildren. As it turns out, our two sons ages 39 and 41 are both single and have produced no grandchildren of which we are aware. As we look at most of our friends, the quality and amount of time they spend with grandchildren is significant. We are certainly aware that our lack of grandchildren creates much more time of togetherness for the two of us. Dana and I are viewing this time together as our opportunity to discern why we are together.

So far we have learned several things. Much to our mutual surprise, we have discovered a love for opera. With the advent of supertitles, we can connect the beauty of the music with the drama of the acting – who knew that opera could be that satisfying? We have learned that we each need our own space and computer to pursue our own interests and games. As a good friend of ours told her husband when he retired, “I married you for better or for worse, but not for lunch.” We are learning that creating space actually enhances our togetherness.

I think our most important learning is that we are drawn together for our spiritual development. It’s like the onion of our life has been peeled down to the essential core. The competitiveness and pettiness are generally over. The physical/sexual aspects are no longer compelling and are in satisfactory perspective. The arguments and disagreements are less hostile, sooner over and quicker forgiven. We both have a sense that we are drawn together to learn from the Holy Spirit and teach each other. Our “oneness” is becoming much more important than our “twoness.” This is a much more significant bond than I would have guessed ten or fifteen years ago and I am most grateful not only that we have recognized it, but we both feel strongly about it.

Who, then am I and how do I now relate to me? A big change happened for me when we moved from Lincoln, Nebraska to Omaha 19 years ago. I had been a very active member of a large Presbyterian church in Lincoln. I volunteered for every office and task and largely defined myself by my church community. Before we moved, we were embroiled in an ugly church fight which left both Dana and me scarred and disappointed. When we got to Omaha our desire for formal church connection was practically nil. I am most grateful for all of the Faith at Work experience and spiritual direction training to make this transition. Both have allowed me to become more introspective and seek the ways of quiet and solitude to appreciate God. Faith at Work created small group experiences where I found, and continue to find, safe places to share my story and have it received gracefully and without judgment. Spiritual direction training taught me to appreciate quietness, meditation and energy prayer. As I look back on who I have become, I am somewhat amazed at the impact Faith at Work has had on my life. From the Leadership Training Institute I attended in 1976, through the last Nebraska Team meeting I helped to facilitate in January, Faith at Work has shaped and molded both my leadership and interpersonal skills. Being around Faith at Work people all of my adult life has also opened me to a huge vista of spiritual experiences. It has not only enhanced my professional career but likely saved our marriage as well.

The person I see myself becoming now was profoundly affected by two disparate events several years ago. Through some long time Faith at Work friends, I became involved in studying “A Course in Miracles.” The learnings here have been profound and transforming. I am beginning to accept that I am created by a God who is the embodiment of pure love and pure trust; a God who has not and will not condemn me. With the aid of the Holy Spirit, my function is to forgive myself and others and truly understand that at our spiritual (not bodily) core, all of us are alike and are one.

Some time before I started the work with the Course, I was sued, along with a client of our firm, by some individuals who were dissatisfied with the outcome of an investment. I was certainly hopeful that I would skate through to the end of my legal career without ever being sued, but that was not to happen. Normally these types of cases get settled, but this one did not and I knew it was headed toward a week long jury trial. I had watched other clients and lawyers who had been sued contract cancer, have heart attacks or strokes. Even those who didn’t have physical problems become angry, bitter and resentful. I wanted that not to happen for me. Having started A Course in Miracles, I was taking some quiet time one morning when it became very clear that I needed to forgive the people that sued me and forgive myself for judging them. It seemed like a very right, but not an easy thing to do. It took some early morning work over about a 4 month period to let go of my dislike and judgment of these people. One morning it just became apparent that I was no different from these people and they were just doing what they needed to do at that particular time. On the morning the trial started, I stepped into the courthouse elevator with the lead plaintiff and said good morning to him. He looked at me and had no reaction and neither did my gut.

At this moment in time, I am pleased but not satisfied with my journey. I understand my spiritual goal is to remove the separation I have created with God. Forgiveness is the path home.